Birthday Thoughts

My birthday is precisely one week after New Year's. Which means that, while most people are busy being nostalgic and making resolutions that one week earlier, I am very happy to totally ignore the importance of that holiday that I hate so, and make my own Start of the New Year my very own birthday. Handy how that worked out (thanks, parents!).

Which means that, now that I'm older, I always feel a bit pensive on my birthday. Thinking of what the past year has brought me, good (a new pregnancy, new family members and sleep, finally!) and bad (Sofia's terrible two's, loss, and all those months *without* sleep), and ruminations about my hopes and dreams for the next year. Health and true joy for my dear family, friends and myself, a healthy (and easy!) new baby and many continued chances to witness the twinkling, happy eyes of my Peanut and her Papa'.

I am lucky. I can't tell you how many times that thought goes through my head. I know I can complain a lot -- seriously, not sleeping just Grinches you out, there ain't nothing you can do about it -- but I am fully aware of my luck. And of my gratitude...at seeing another year, one bursting at the seams with such promise and hope, and of having people I love to share it all with.

So...well...Happy 37th (gulp) Birthday to Me!

Giving Thanks

Once again this Thanksgiving, like many other people all over the good ol' U.S. of A., I feel compelled to sit down and really ponder my thanks, and express just how much I am grateful for every thing, good and bad, that has made my life what it is today.

I am thankful, first and foremost, for my health, without which I wouldn't be able to enjoy the other things on my list I need to give thanks for.

I am thankful for Andrea. The person with whom - after all these 12+ years - I'd most want to be stuck on a desert island with.

I am thankful for my Peanut, who keeps me smiling (and who, by the way, seems to have figured out how to sleep. Hallelujah and please don't take it away just 'cause I bragged about it!).

I am thankful for Baby #2, who I just KNOW is going to be the most serene and zen-like little one anyone has ever laid eyes on.

Next, I am thankful for my whole family back home. I think of them daily and miss their presence in my life, and am always appreciative of how things just seem to flow back into their normal routine even after just 3 seconds together again.

I am thankful for Andrea's family, who have from Day 1 taken me in as if I were a daughter.

I am thankful for all my amazing friends, near and far, who have not only helped share this Life and its Adventures, but have supplied themselves as the laugh track to soothe me on even the worst of days.

I am thankful for my job and the wonderful people I work with, who make making a living a real joy.

I am (nerdily enough) thankful for facebook, which has put me back in touch with old friends and that offers me food for thought and/or laughs on any given day.

I am thankful for the food on the table, the roof over my head, the luxuries of life I am able to afford myself and my family, and for canned pumpkin which helps the gap become a wee bit smaller on days like today.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Random memory.

This morning I suddenly remembered the very day Sofia first claimed her independence.

We were walking along in the park, as we were prone to do practically every day during her first year of life, when she suddenly started screaming. And kicking. Like a crazy person. She was not a happy camper. Had she eaten? Check. Was she hot? Nope. Cold? Nope. Was there a piece of metal accidentally stuck into her ribcage? Not that I could see. I tried everything. Hushes and songs, antics and more bottle. Nada.

On a whim, I decided to turn her stroller seat around - from facing me to turned out to the world. And wouldn't ya know it? She stopped screaming.

And I had to smile. My little girl...5 months, if I remember right?...had already had enough of my face and was ready to take on the world.

Baby, Part Deux

Deciding to have a baby is a tremendous leap of faith.

Deciding to go through it all again, having *just* nearly made it through the first round of sleepless nights and tantrums and overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, is downright insanity (I actually usually use other words to describe it, but we're keeping it PG-13 here, people).

"Was it planned?" has been the response we've gotten from nearly every person we've told we're expecting #2 to. Andrea's mom even added "...because this is the last piece of news I would ever have expected to hear from the two of you."

So, why? Why complicate an already ultra-complicated situation? Why risk adding sibling rivalry, more sleeplessness, nursing issues and a whole myriad of other possible problems into the mix?

Until just a few months ago, I was gung-ho against a second child. Sofia would make lots of friends wherever we roamed, she'd have good relationships with her schoolmates and cousins and it would all be fine, her being an only child. This was what I thought... until my grandfather passed away.

And then, we 3 flew out to Florida to be with my small-but-close family. I spent time with my brothers, I got to see my mom and my aunt help one another deal with the pain of losing their father. I witnessed different generations of cousins with siblings, and I realized that that's what I wanted for Sofia - and for Andrea and I.

I grew up in a family of 5 and it literally wasn't until I had Sofia and understood how hard it is that I realized that having 3 children in a family isn't the norm. I'd always taken it all for granted - the family holiday trips, the fights at dinner, the shared experiences. But, when I was there in Florida, looking around at my family, I realized that I wanted Sofia to have some form of that. For better or for worse, knowing she was not alone, knowing that there was someone else on the planet who came from her same roots, who understood in her a way she would always take for granted until one day she'd appreciate it.

And so I offered the idea up to my husband, who almost drove our rental car off the road. "I think we should have another baby." I explained my reasoning, and it didn't take him very long at all to agree - being as he has a brother himself, and when we had originally jumped into this baby thing, we'd sort of always assumed we'd have two.

And so...here we are. Awaiting the arrival of Number 2 in the Spring. Terrified at first, then determined, then excited, then grateful...now a mix of all the above. Mainly, I've come to realize that Number 2 is going to be totally different. I mean, like everyone keeps assuring me, there's no way Number 2 will be like Sofia (and therefore sleep is almost in the bag). But, also, Number 2 is not going to be so scary. That first look in his/her (we'll know in December) eyes, that first diaper change, that first car ride home and first bath and first walk outside in the stroller...it's not going to be nearly as frightening, because we're old pros at this already.

We're doing this because Family is important to us. Because sibling bonds are unique - be they awful or amazing. Because, in total honesty, in time it will actually be easier to parent 2 than 1, as they entertain one another (I'm fully aware that said entertaining may involve fistacuffs, mind you). Because I want to try this again, see another person grow and develop into something unimaginably awesome. Because Andrea is one of the greatest dads in the world and I want to give that to yet another person.

And because, well, truth be told, we're not really getting all that much sleep anyway....

Letter to Peanut

Dear Little Peanut,

Inspiration hit me today to send you a virtual letter and tell you all about what you're currently up to. The intention is that you'll have a way to see yourself (through me) in a few years - the reality is, the time goes so quickly that I, myself, want to frame this moment in time, as a way of remembering where we once were...perhaps to be used to your benefit when you hit 13 and I want to beat you up.

You are precisely 2 years, 3 months and 10 days old today. There are parts of you that seriously Have. Not. Changed since the first moment you were born. Looks on your face that are the very same as Day 1. That sideways glance you get - part devil, part master planner - when an idea is stirring. That voracious appetite (man, can you eat!), your near obsession with holding our fingers.

And then there are things about you that have developed over time - beautiful, wondrous things. Like, just the other day, when we were looking at one of your books, and I explained that the baby rabbit was crying because he was hungry, and you took your cereal and offered it to the page. Or when your daycare friends cry and you immediately run over to hug them and caress their backs. Or when the school "bully" (poor kid, just doesn't know his own strength) steals your paci and you happily laugh about it.

You are a complex little creature. You know what you want, and you are NOT happy when you don't get it (or if we make you wait more than 3.5 seconds to get it).

You are tenacious. You literally spent 35 minutes on my lap undoing and re-closing my buttons last night before bedtime. It also took us over 2 years to figure out that sleep was just NOT going to happen unless we just gave in a little bit (now you sleep -- like a rock -- on a mattress on the floor in our bedroom).

You are curious. The number 1 phrase heard out of your mouth (besides MOMMY, PAPA', VIENIIII - in English, "come heeeere!") is "Voglio vede'" - which means "I want to see." Your Papa' recently bought you a stool so you could move it around to wherever we were working - namely, the kitchen, so you could keep your eye on whatever it is we're creating.

You are stubborn. Oh, wait, I already used "tenacious." Let's keep it positive then :)

Time sweeps along and I smell your hair when you sit on my lap, to grasp a memory, one that will not fade. Yet, I know these memories will inevitably fade...I already can't remember the smell of your hair from one evening to the next...but the circling of warmth in my belly, my eyes, my chest will not. And, as life progresses and the years advance, I will continue to learn and understand new sides to you, and feel the awe of seeing you develop into your own perfectly imperfect little being.

Love,

Mommy

5 years ago today...

Art. 143 in Italian civil marriage law

Reciprocal rights and responsibilities of spouses.

By marriage the husband and wife acquire the same rights and assume the same obligations.

From the marriage comes the duty of mutual loyalty, moral and material assistance, cooperation in the interest of the family and cohabitation.

Both spouses are required, each in relation to their material and their ability to perform professional work or at home, to contribute to the needs of the family.

Art. 143.
Diritti e doveri reciproci dei coniugi.

Con il matrimonio il marito e la moglie acquistano gli stessi diritti e assumono i medesimi doveri.

Dal matrimonio deriva l'obbligo reciproco alla fedeltà, all'assistenza morale e materiale, alla collaborazione nell'interesse della famiglia e alla coabitazione.

Entrambi i coniugi sono tenuti, ciascuno in relazione alle proprie sostanze e alla propria capacità di lavoro professionale o casalingo, a contribuire ai bisogni della famiglia.

The Dark side to Parenthood, revealed (ooh!)

I've always been in control of myself in situations. I mean, it's always taken me a while to get into the groove in new surroundings, with new people. But give me a few months - max a year where more momentous change has happened - and I'm good to go.

So why is this parenting thing STILL so very hard?

Since nothing soothes the frustrated soul more than a list, I thought I'd make one.

REASON #1: That little person in front of you? Reason with it all you want. Explain it like it is, get as in depth and personal as you think is appropriate ("I really, really, really need you to listen to me right now!"), but he/she is not budging. The more upstanding a parent you want to be (so, no smacks on the behind, no lying or manipulating or bribing), the more your stick-in-the-mud child is going to make your life difficult. Did I just say "difficult"? I meant Impossible. Until your child hits...oh, I don't know...34?...he/she is living for himself alone, and that means whatever begging you do is going in one ear and out the other.

REASON #2: You are always going to feel envious of somebody else's parenting situation, for what you realize are totally inane things. See a family with an 8-year-old daughter, eating and *gasp* actually sitting down for an entire meal in a restaurant while you chase after your little pest, trying to convince him he's not allowed in the kitchen? Read someone else's facebook post about a 6-month-old baby who's learned to sleep through the night like a champ? You're going to start hating people - people you would otherwise adore, for the most ridiculous of reasons: they seem to know something you don't.

REASON #3: Sleep. Now that we put Sofia in her toddler bed (I'M A STUPID IDIOT), she has become a total nightmare. Do you have any idea of the sinking feeling of a little hand on your shoulder at 4am, waking you up and asking for juice in *just* that way, so you know you will not be getting back to sleep without a good scream-fest? It's painful. SO painful that even when she DOES decide to sleep, your husband wakes up with a jolt, dreaming that she was in the room hovering over him?! This is the stuff that horror films are made of (Side note to parents with kids younger than mine: KEEP THE CRIB BARS ON UNTIL THEY HIT PUBERTY).

REASON #4: It's stifling, when I let myself feel the weight of the responsibility we have here. She's been hating on her diaper for months now, but neither Andrea nor I have had the energy nor wherewithal to start working on potty training (god I hate that terminology). Because it's just too much. We've already taught her to eat (with utensils, at that!), to talk, to walk, to put on her own shoes, not to marker up the couch...isn't that enough? How much longer is this whole Parenting thing actually going to *last*? And what's the damn pay for it, because I've yet to see any salary receipts.

REASON #5: Today, as we were driving around trying to get Sofia to nap in the car (don't judge us), Andrea had the rear view mirror tilted down so he could have a good view of her from his driving position, and I got a good look at his face. He's exhausted. His beard is long and his eyes are tired and glassy. He's pale and he'd need at least 26 consecutive hours of sleep on a beach before he could feel normal again. I don't want this for us. I want things to be easier. I don't want us to fight from the frustration of a child who doesn't sleep. I want us to feel rested in the morning and recharged when Sofia goes to bed, I want to learn new things about each other and be happy for one another, and not simply give one another high fives for getting Sofia to sleep in her own bed. I want carefree back, just a little bit, just every once in a while.

So, you ask me, what the hell am I doing it for? Because, well, besides the fact that I'm not ready to sell her for moral reasons, I do know that things will get better. These are the Terrible 2's. She is determined and strong and stubborn -- all things that are frustrating now but will give her strength in the future. And so I will just concentrate on that and hope for the best. I will try to enjoy her smile and revel in moments like this afternoon when she grabbed my purse and her doll, ran into me in the hallway as she was walking around and said "Buongiorno, Mommy!!"

Til then, I think I'll go put those crib bars back on before they get back from the supermarket...