I've always been in control of myself in situations. I mean, it's always taken me a while to get into the groove in new surroundings, with new people. But give me a few months - max a year where more momentous change has happened - and I'm good to go.
So why is this parenting thing STILL so very hard?
Since nothing soothes the frustrated soul more than a list, I thought I'd make one.
REASON #1: That little person in front of you? Reason with it all you want. Explain it like it is, get as in depth and personal as you think is appropriate ("I really, really,
really need you to listen to me right now!"), but he/she is not budging. The more upstanding a parent you want to be (so, no smacks on the behind, no lying or manipulating or bribing), the more your stick-in-the-mud child is going to make your life difficult. Did I just say "difficult"? I meant Impossible. Until your child hits...oh, I don't know...34?...he/she is living for himself alone, and that means whatever begging you do is going in one ear and out the other.
REASON #2: You are always going to feel envious of somebody else's parenting situation, for what you realize are totally inane things. See a family with an 8-year-old daughter, eating and *gasp* actually sitting down for an entire meal in a restaurant while you chase after your little pest, trying to convince him he's not allowed in the kitchen? Read someone else's facebook post about a 6-month-old baby who's learned to sleep through the night like a champ? You're going to start hating people - people you would otherwise adore, for the most ridiculous of reasons: they seem to know something you don't.
REASON #3: Sleep. Now that we put Sofia in her toddler bed (I'M A STUPID IDIOT), she has become a total nightmare. Do you have any idea of the sinking feeling of a little hand on your shoulder at 4am, waking you up and asking for juice in *just* that way, so you know you will not be getting back to sleep without a good scream-fest? It's painful. SO painful that even when she DOES decide to sleep, your husband wakes up with a jolt, dreaming that she was in the room hovering over him?! This is the stuff that horror films are made of (Side note to parents with kids younger than mine: KEEP THE CRIB BARS ON UNTIL THEY HIT PUBERTY).
REASON #4: It's stifling, when I let myself feel the weight of the responsibility we have here. She's been hating on her diaper for months now, but neither Andrea nor I have had the energy nor wherewithal to start working on potty training (god I hate that terminology). Because it's just too much. We've already taught her to eat (with utensils, at that!), to talk, to walk, to put on her own shoes, not to marker up the couch...isn't that enough? How much longer is this whole Parenting thing actually going to *last*? And what's the damn pay for it, because I've yet to see any salary receipts.
REASON #5: Today, as we were driving around trying to get Sofia to nap in the car (don't judge us), Andrea had the rear view mirror tilted down so he could have a good view of her from his driving position, and I got a good look at his face. He's exhausted. His beard is long and his eyes are tired and glassy. He's pale and he'd need at least 26 consecutive hours of sleep on a beach before he could feel normal again. I don't want this for us. I want things to be easier. I don't want us to fight from the frustration of a child who doesn't sleep. I want us to feel rested in the morning and recharged when Sofia goes to bed, I want to learn new things about each other and be happy for one another, and not simply give one another high fives for getting Sofia to sleep in her own bed. I want carefree back, just a little bit, just every once in a while.
So, you ask me, what the hell am I doing it for? Because, well, besides the fact that I'm not ready to sell her for moral reasons, I do know that things will get better. These are the Terrible 2's. She is determined and strong and stubborn -- all things that are frustrating now but will give her strength in the future. And so I will just concentrate on that and hope for the best. I will try to enjoy her smile and revel in moments like this afternoon when she grabbed my purse and her doll, ran into me in the hallway as she was walking around and said "Buongiorno, Mommy!!"
Til then, I think I'll go put those crib bars back on before they get back from the supermarket...
