Anticipating Fear

The anticipation feels similar to when we were so close to Sofia's birth, too. The building excitement at the chance to finally meet this new member of the family. The growing anxiety at not having everything ready in time. The fear at the forthcoming stresses we're about to undergo. The joy at knowing soon I'll be able to sleep on my stomach again.

But this time, there is a new facet to the anticipation. And her name is Sofia.

Sofia's fascinated with little babies: how they get milk from their mommies, how little their feet are, how they cry Waa Waa Waa. After some work and reassurance, I am confident that she is going to be the best big sister in the world.

It is just this work and reassurance that saddens me, though. A sort of mourning of our Family of 3. When it was just Andrea and I, and Sofia's birth was only a couple months away, sure, I worried about how this new life would change us as a couple and in how we related to one another. But mostly I was sure of how our new child would make us stronger, more whole, more symbiotic. With Sofia, some of that same sureness is there, but there is also a painful fear that she will feel inferior, insecure, abandoned, unhappy. That she will worry that we don't love her the same, that she will be sharing us. Because, well, she will be sharing us. We will be loving two children, but within the same time constraints, with the same limited patience and energy that we've been (with extreme exhaustion) using to raise one child.

One beautiful, soaring, poetic little child. One sensitive little girl. And if I ever look into her little eyes and think she may feel lesser...that she may feel like she's lost something. That would crush me.

Over the past couple days, Sofia's been pretending to be a little baby. Fake crying (Waa Waa Waa) and saying "Mamma, Mamma, Mamma". I pick her up in my arms and shush her, sway her back and forth like I used to do when she was just born. And I am touched with the irony of this, because when she was that very little, I was so frustrated at how I couldn't understand what was wrong, how all I had to console her were my "shushes." And now...now that she has the ability to tell me exactly what it is that's wrong...all she wants anyway are the "shushes." And her strength and fragility - mixed with my own strength and fragility - make me want to protect her from any trauma she may feel upon the birth of her new little sister.

But that, of course, is impossible.

Playing around

My little girl seems to be growing by the nanosecond, so I thought I'd stop this moment in time and, for the record, create a list of her favorite games and free time fun right now:

Playing doctor with Mommy: Sofia is infinitely obsessed with my right hand middle finger that has a callus on it. She is also infinitely obsessed with doctors, medicine and all things boo-boo related. So the game is this: she cures my finger. "Mommy, do you have a boo boo?" to which I respond "Yes, Dr. Sofia, can you help me?" and then she grabs whatever's lying around, rubs it on said finger for a few minutes, gives my callus a kiss and, voila, yo' healed!

I never said she was normal.

Playing doctor with Papa': Papa' doesn't have any special finger like Mommy, so their game is a bit different. His involves his stomach. He lays on the ground, she listens to his stomach with her stethoscope, rubs whatever toy is around on it and, voila, Papa's healed too!

Playing school with her dolls: She lines them up, puts them to sleep, feeds them hearty snacks, changes their diapers and cuddles them. Oh yeah, and yells at them. A lot. For hitting, mostly, or for whatever she herself just got a time out for.

Watching videos on youtube: Remember the days I wished she'd get into videos so I could have a minute or two to myself? Well, in true Sofia style, she took that wish and one-upped it so she could get everything she wanted and I would get nil. Now she loves videos (Sesame Street, mainly) on youtube. But only if she's holding my infamously callused finger. So: videos, without the Mommy break. The horror!

Playing supermarket: Santa brought Sofia a cash register, and she loves playing store. We take turns working the register, adding up all our plastic fruit and vegetable purchases, and then the other one pays. With Sofia, the total is always the same: 2.70. No idea where that came from.

Reading books: I feel so lucky, happy and relieved that Sofia loves reading so much. She has a ton of favorite books and sometimes re-reading Clifford the Big Red Dog for the umpteenth time can get tiring, but we are always happy to comply with this request. My smarty pants.

Playing with her Playmobile farmhouse: Santa also brought her this fantastic house for Xmas and, when I have the patience to take out all the tiny little parts and set them out, we have a grand old time setting up the house and farm for the little included dolls.

Playing with Legos - especially with Papa': This one's a new Sofia find. We've had this box of Legos for almost two years, but only now is she actually enjoying them. She always seems to make lego beds to put the lego dolls in (I'm beginning to sense a theme: sleep, food and doctors...) and she almost always shoos me away because she wants her awesomely creative, mechanically-minded Papa' all to herself. Can't blame her - he made her a lego cash register in little over 3 seconds the other day.


I am seriously loving getting to re-live all these childhood games that I also remember loving. Now if I could just comfortably sit on the floor with her without my big preggo belly getting in the way, we'd be set!