Today, I realized something.
I don't know why it popped into my brain, but I suddenly remembered the day Andrea and I got the news from my doctor that Baby #2 was another girl. The joy! The utter thrill! I'd secretly (or perhaps not so secretly, depends on who you ask...) been hoping for sisters. And not just so I could re-use all of Sofia's old and adorable clothes.
Andrea and I were so incredibly pleased as we left my doctor's office that day. The feeling of it - as is the feeling of almost all the "big" moments of both pregnancies and first milestones - is still right there for me to grasp. I am happy to report that most of the pain involved with the early days has been forgotten, but the sensations and the feelings and smells related to them...I think those are around for the long haul. The pungent smell of my milk-soaked tank top. The shadowy, eerie reading light I used, hooked onto Samina's side bed the first couple months. The taste of the fennel tea I drank to keep up my milk production those first weeks.
Anyway, I remember all the details of that visit, that day, and I can feel that same feeling of giddiness now, about 23 months later, at knowing Sofia was going to have a little sister. And I re-felt that emotion this afternoon, out of nowhere.
And you know what I learned?
Although that moment was pure joy, I wouldn't go back there if you paid me. And the same, I then realized, goes for all my previous moments, including first milestones or birth days or even that time Andrea sent me for a night away at the spa for my birthday.
I'm good here.
Which is surprising, so surprising to me, and mainly because of what this article sums up about the passing of time: the pressure I often feel to live in the moment and to "enjoy this," even on the bad days, even when I speed up the bedtime routine because I just want to catch up on Downton Abbey. I have guilt about that so much of the time...and then. And then I had this realization.
I'm good here.
Miraculous, healing words with a miraculous, healing (and stress-relieving) message.
I'm good here.
