Anticipating Fear

The anticipation feels similar to when we were so close to Sofia's birth, too. The building excitement at the chance to finally meet this new member of the family. The growing anxiety at not having everything ready in time. The fear at the forthcoming stresses we're about to undergo. The joy at knowing soon I'll be able to sleep on my stomach again.

But this time, there is a new facet to the anticipation. And her name is Sofia.

Sofia's fascinated with little babies: how they get milk from their mommies, how little their feet are, how they cry Waa Waa Waa. After some work and reassurance, I am confident that she is going to be the best big sister in the world.

It is just this work and reassurance that saddens me, though. A sort of mourning of our Family of 3. When it was just Andrea and I, and Sofia's birth was only a couple months away, sure, I worried about how this new life would change us as a couple and in how we related to one another. But mostly I was sure of how our new child would make us stronger, more whole, more symbiotic. With Sofia, some of that same sureness is there, but there is also a painful fear that she will feel inferior, insecure, abandoned, unhappy. That she will worry that we don't love her the same, that she will be sharing us. Because, well, she will be sharing us. We will be loving two children, but within the same time constraints, with the same limited patience and energy that we've been (with extreme exhaustion) using to raise one child.

One beautiful, soaring, poetic little child. One sensitive little girl. And if I ever look into her little eyes and think she may feel lesser...that she may feel like she's lost something. That would crush me.

Over the past couple days, Sofia's been pretending to be a little baby. Fake crying (Waa Waa Waa) and saying "Mamma, Mamma, Mamma". I pick her up in my arms and shush her, sway her back and forth like I used to do when she was just born. And I am touched with the irony of this, because when she was that very little, I was so frustrated at how I couldn't understand what was wrong, how all I had to console her were my "shushes." And now...now that she has the ability to tell me exactly what it is that's wrong...all she wants anyway are the "shushes." And her strength and fragility - mixed with my own strength and fragility - make me want to protect her from any trauma she may feel upon the birth of her new little sister.

But that, of course, is impossible.

Playing around

My little girl seems to be growing by the nanosecond, so I thought I'd stop this moment in time and, for the record, create a list of her favorite games and free time fun right now:

Playing doctor with Mommy: Sofia is infinitely obsessed with my right hand middle finger that has a callus on it. She is also infinitely obsessed with doctors, medicine and all things boo-boo related. So the game is this: she cures my finger. "Mommy, do you have a boo boo?" to which I respond "Yes, Dr. Sofia, can you help me?" and then she grabs whatever's lying around, rubs it on said finger for a few minutes, gives my callus a kiss and, voila, yo' healed!

I never said she was normal.

Playing doctor with Papa': Papa' doesn't have any special finger like Mommy, so their game is a bit different. His involves his stomach. He lays on the ground, she listens to his stomach with her stethoscope, rubs whatever toy is around on it and, voila, Papa's healed too!

Playing school with her dolls: She lines them up, puts them to sleep, feeds them hearty snacks, changes their diapers and cuddles them. Oh yeah, and yells at them. A lot. For hitting, mostly, or for whatever she herself just got a time out for.

Watching videos on youtube: Remember the days I wished she'd get into videos so I could have a minute or two to myself? Well, in true Sofia style, she took that wish and one-upped it so she could get everything she wanted and I would get nil. Now she loves videos (Sesame Street, mainly) on youtube. But only if she's holding my infamously callused finger. So: videos, without the Mommy break. The horror!

Playing supermarket: Santa brought Sofia a cash register, and she loves playing store. We take turns working the register, adding up all our plastic fruit and vegetable purchases, and then the other one pays. With Sofia, the total is always the same: 2.70. No idea where that came from.

Reading books: I feel so lucky, happy and relieved that Sofia loves reading so much. She has a ton of favorite books and sometimes re-reading Clifford the Big Red Dog for the umpteenth time can get tiring, but we are always happy to comply with this request. My smarty pants.

Playing with her Playmobile farmhouse: Santa also brought her this fantastic house for Xmas and, when I have the patience to take out all the tiny little parts and set them out, we have a grand old time setting up the house and farm for the little included dolls.

Playing with Legos - especially with Papa': This one's a new Sofia find. We've had this box of Legos for almost two years, but only now is she actually enjoying them. She always seems to make lego beds to put the lego dolls in (I'm beginning to sense a theme: sleep, food and doctors...) and she almost always shoos me away because she wants her awesomely creative, mechanically-minded Papa' all to herself. Can't blame her - he made her a lego cash register in little over 3 seconds the other day.


I am seriously loving getting to re-live all these childhood games that I also remember loving. Now if I could just comfortably sit on the floor with her without my big preggo belly getting in the way, we'd be set!

Birthday Thoughts

My birthday is precisely one week after New Year's. Which means that, while most people are busy being nostalgic and making resolutions that one week earlier, I am very happy to totally ignore the importance of that holiday that I hate so, and make my own Start of the New Year my very own birthday. Handy how that worked out (thanks, parents!).

Which means that, now that I'm older, I always feel a bit pensive on my birthday. Thinking of what the past year has brought me, good (a new pregnancy, new family members and sleep, finally!) and bad (Sofia's terrible two's, loss, and all those months *without* sleep), and ruminations about my hopes and dreams for the next year. Health and true joy for my dear family, friends and myself, a healthy (and easy!) new baby and many continued chances to witness the twinkling, happy eyes of my Peanut and her Papa'.

I am lucky. I can't tell you how many times that thought goes through my head. I know I can complain a lot -- seriously, not sleeping just Grinches you out, there ain't nothing you can do about it -- but I am fully aware of my luck. And of my gratitude...at seeing another year, one bursting at the seams with such promise and hope, and of having people I love to share it all with.

So...well...Happy 37th (gulp) Birthday to Me!

Giving Thanks

Once again this Thanksgiving, like many other people all over the good ol' U.S. of A., I feel compelled to sit down and really ponder my thanks, and express just how much I am grateful for every thing, good and bad, that has made my life what it is today.

I am thankful, first and foremost, for my health, without which I wouldn't be able to enjoy the other things on my list I need to give thanks for.

I am thankful for Andrea. The person with whom - after all these 12+ years - I'd most want to be stuck on a desert island with.

I am thankful for my Peanut, who keeps me smiling (and who, by the way, seems to have figured out how to sleep. Hallelujah and please don't take it away just 'cause I bragged about it!).

I am thankful for Baby #2, who I just KNOW is going to be the most serene and zen-like little one anyone has ever laid eyes on.

Next, I am thankful for my whole family back home. I think of them daily and miss their presence in my life, and am always appreciative of how things just seem to flow back into their normal routine even after just 3 seconds together again.

I am thankful for Andrea's family, who have from Day 1 taken me in as if I were a daughter.

I am thankful for all my amazing friends, near and far, who have not only helped share this Life and its Adventures, but have supplied themselves as the laugh track to soothe me on even the worst of days.

I am thankful for my job and the wonderful people I work with, who make making a living a real joy.

I am (nerdily enough) thankful for facebook, which has put me back in touch with old friends and that offers me food for thought and/or laughs on any given day.

I am thankful for the food on the table, the roof over my head, the luxuries of life I am able to afford myself and my family, and for canned pumpkin which helps the gap become a wee bit smaller on days like today.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Random memory.

This morning I suddenly remembered the very day Sofia first claimed her independence.

We were walking along in the park, as we were prone to do practically every day during her first year of life, when she suddenly started screaming. And kicking. Like a crazy person. She was not a happy camper. Had she eaten? Check. Was she hot? Nope. Cold? Nope. Was there a piece of metal accidentally stuck into her ribcage? Not that I could see. I tried everything. Hushes and songs, antics and more bottle. Nada.

On a whim, I decided to turn her stroller seat around - from facing me to turned out to the world. And wouldn't ya know it? She stopped screaming.

And I had to smile. My little girl...5 months, if I remember right?...had already had enough of my face and was ready to take on the world.

Baby, Part Deux

Deciding to have a baby is a tremendous leap of faith.

Deciding to go through it all again, having *just* nearly made it through the first round of sleepless nights and tantrums and overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, is downright insanity (I actually usually use other words to describe it, but we're keeping it PG-13 here, people).

"Was it planned?" has been the response we've gotten from nearly every person we've told we're expecting #2 to. Andrea's mom even added "...because this is the last piece of news I would ever have expected to hear from the two of you."

So, why? Why complicate an already ultra-complicated situation? Why risk adding sibling rivalry, more sleeplessness, nursing issues and a whole myriad of other possible problems into the mix?

Until just a few months ago, I was gung-ho against a second child. Sofia would make lots of friends wherever we roamed, she'd have good relationships with her schoolmates and cousins and it would all be fine, her being an only child. This was what I thought... until my grandfather passed away.

And then, we 3 flew out to Florida to be with my small-but-close family. I spent time with my brothers, I got to see my mom and my aunt help one another deal with the pain of losing their father. I witnessed different generations of cousins with siblings, and I realized that that's what I wanted for Sofia - and for Andrea and I.

I grew up in a family of 5 and it literally wasn't until I had Sofia and understood how hard it is that I realized that having 3 children in a family isn't the norm. I'd always taken it all for granted - the family holiday trips, the fights at dinner, the shared experiences. But, when I was there in Florida, looking around at my family, I realized that I wanted Sofia to have some form of that. For better or for worse, knowing she was not alone, knowing that there was someone else on the planet who came from her same roots, who understood in her a way she would always take for granted until one day she'd appreciate it.

And so I offered the idea up to my husband, who almost drove our rental car off the road. "I think we should have another baby." I explained my reasoning, and it didn't take him very long at all to agree - being as he has a brother himself, and when we had originally jumped into this baby thing, we'd sort of always assumed we'd have two.

And so...here we are. Awaiting the arrival of Number 2 in the Spring. Terrified at first, then determined, then excited, then grateful...now a mix of all the above. Mainly, I've come to realize that Number 2 is going to be totally different. I mean, like everyone keeps assuring me, there's no way Number 2 will be like Sofia (and therefore sleep is almost in the bag). But, also, Number 2 is not going to be so scary. That first look in his/her (we'll know in December) eyes, that first diaper change, that first car ride home and first bath and first walk outside in the stroller...it's not going to be nearly as frightening, because we're old pros at this already.

We're doing this because Family is important to us. Because sibling bonds are unique - be they awful or amazing. Because, in total honesty, in time it will actually be easier to parent 2 than 1, as they entertain one another (I'm fully aware that said entertaining may involve fistacuffs, mind you). Because I want to try this again, see another person grow and develop into something unimaginably awesome. Because Andrea is one of the greatest dads in the world and I want to give that to yet another person.

And because, well, truth be told, we're not really getting all that much sleep anyway....

Letter to Peanut

Dear Little Peanut,

Inspiration hit me today to send you a virtual letter and tell you all about what you're currently up to. The intention is that you'll have a way to see yourself (through me) in a few years - the reality is, the time goes so quickly that I, myself, want to frame this moment in time, as a way of remembering where we once were...perhaps to be used to your benefit when you hit 13 and I want to beat you up.

You are precisely 2 years, 3 months and 10 days old today. There are parts of you that seriously Have. Not. Changed since the first moment you were born. Looks on your face that are the very same as Day 1. That sideways glance you get - part devil, part master planner - when an idea is stirring. That voracious appetite (man, can you eat!), your near obsession with holding our fingers.

And then there are things about you that have developed over time - beautiful, wondrous things. Like, just the other day, when we were looking at one of your books, and I explained that the baby rabbit was crying because he was hungry, and you took your cereal and offered it to the page. Or when your daycare friends cry and you immediately run over to hug them and caress their backs. Or when the school "bully" (poor kid, just doesn't know his own strength) steals your paci and you happily laugh about it.

You are a complex little creature. You know what you want, and you are NOT happy when you don't get it (or if we make you wait more than 3.5 seconds to get it).

You are tenacious. You literally spent 35 minutes on my lap undoing and re-closing my buttons last night before bedtime. It also took us over 2 years to figure out that sleep was just NOT going to happen unless we just gave in a little bit (now you sleep -- like a rock -- on a mattress on the floor in our bedroom).

You are curious. The number 1 phrase heard out of your mouth (besides MOMMY, PAPA', VIENIIII - in English, "come heeeere!") is "Voglio vede'" - which means "I want to see." Your Papa' recently bought you a stool so you could move it around to wherever we were working - namely, the kitchen, so you could keep your eye on whatever it is we're creating.

You are stubborn. Oh, wait, I already used "tenacious." Let's keep it positive then :)

Time sweeps along and I smell your hair when you sit on my lap, to grasp a memory, one that will not fade. Yet, I know these memories will inevitably fade...I already can't remember the smell of your hair from one evening to the next...but the circling of warmth in my belly, my eyes, my chest will not. And, as life progresses and the years advance, I will continue to learn and understand new sides to you, and feel the awe of seeing you develop into your own perfectly imperfect little being.

Love,

Mommy