Love letter

Sometimes an overwhelming desire overcomes me to shout my love for my children from the rooftops (oddly enough, this desire almost always comes when the girls are at school or sleeping). This is one of those times...

Girls,

You are becoming quite your own people.

Sofia.

You are sensitive, curious, stubborn and you thoroughly enjoy a good laugh. You love to teach your little sister new things and boss her around, but you are patient with her too, and I credit you daily with the moments of sisterly bliss we sometimes (sooooometimes) have the pleasure of experiencing. You and your feelings are open for all the world to see, and I sometimes fear this vulnerability will harm you one day, but I also see your tough side, the one that doesn't take any crap from anyone, and I silently root you on.

You love reading and books, eating, asking questions and analyzing answers, cuddling and (STILL! Will you ever outgrow it, OUCH!?) playing with my "special finger", helping Papà with his home improvements, traveling, picking out your own clothes and going out for dinner.

You hate having to share your toys with your little sister, being yelled at, wearing pants, being told what to do, having to wait, driving any more than 20 minutes in the car, seeing animals injured or people fighting.

My love for you is fierce and volatile. You are my first child and have taught us so much about what it means to be a (decent) parent. My frustration with you, but also my empathy for you, stems from the fact that we are so very alike, and not just because of our curly hair.


Samina.

You are screaming and belly laughter all rolled up. You are our court jester, with a generous, bright, curious heart of gold. You bring completion and heart to our family of 4 while, at the same time, you also tend to knock any sense of peaceful balance flat on its ass. You know what you want, and you want it NOW, and NO is a word you love to say, but have no patience for hearing. You pretend to ignore your sister, but the second she is in the next room you repeatedly ask "Fia??" in a panic. The way you scream and throw yourself onto me, arms stretched into the wildest, most full-on hug makes me feel loved in a way I don't even have the words for.

You love animals, especially dogs. You love books (especially books about dogs!), eating, running, eating while running, being mischievous, nursing, sleeping (though, ehem, not in any continuous manner, ehem), yelling, chatting, making people laugh, freedom to move, people, and pissing off your sister.

You hate when Sofia and Papà leave to go to school in the morning, being constrained, car rides (see previous hate), not getting your way, being picked up when you want to run, being scolded or feeling ignored.
 


I realized a while back that we have one of every element in our house: Earth (me), Air (Papà), Water (Sofia) and Fire (Samina). And not a day goes by that I don't recognize the balance and pull of that fact...the ebb and flow of our intermingling personalities, the overwhelming sense of intensity in the gamut of emotions we feel every single day.

One day, my girls, you will get older and read this love note, and know that you brought me and my heart just that, on a daily basis: intensity. And I hope that, when that day comes, you will know what an honor it is for me to be your Mommy, keeper of sunshine, rain, thunder and lightning.

Fundamental Truths

A friend of mine posted this link on facebook and, as I opened it up and saw it was a 7-minute video, I nearly closed it, as I generally tend only to watch things that last about 3 minutes. My days are busy.

But I felt compelled to watch it. I started it up and the first 20 seconds already seemed important. And, as I watched the video unfold, something stirred in me. Tears almost immediately welled in my eyes, and the last couple minutes were pretty blurry going.

My wise, humble husband keeps an allotment of change in his car, which he gives to panhandlers, mainly at stop lights as they offer to clean his windows. Late last fall, with the cold of the arriving winter just around the corner, he thought of the young man we always ran into during our Saturday breakfast routine - the man with the kind eyes, selling tissues or sponges from an old duffle bag, who we always shared a couple words with. Andrea came home and gathered a bag of clothes and shoes for this young man and brought them to him that next weekend. In a slow, meaningful voice, Andrea explained to a questioning Sofia that he was helping the man out because the man didn't have a lot of material things, but he needed warm clothes to get through the winter.

Later on, to me, Andrea admitted that this life...this often dreary, lonely, stressful life...had little meaning to him if not that of helping others - or, more precisely, connecting with others.

This video speaks the same truth as my husband: we are, all of us, inter-connected, and thus reliant on one another. The kindness of strangers. And the more we attempt to live our lives for ourselves only, the more we feel the disconnect. It's true, just like this video describes...think of your moments of boredom, and the unmistakable, underlying melancholy that we automatically feel. Haven't you ever wondered why it's always there, just beneath the surface?

Have a look at this video and let me know what you think of it. I myself found it quite inspiring, I think you will too...

Upworthy video: Science has been misleading you about some fundamental truths

Crunchy parenting

I wouldn't describe myself as a particularly "crunchy" person. I drink soda, I've been known to watch mind-numbing tv on occasion, I own nothing made of hemp, and I hardly ever wear skirts (those all seem like requirements). But when it comes to parenting, I unconsciously seem to have taken that route.

At almost 17 months, Samina still nurses herself to sleep, right next to me in our co-sleeping bed. We went the path of baby-led weaning and so my girls have never so much as tasted jarred food. Almost all our vegetables come from my in-laws garden, the TV is hardly ever turned on but our bookshelves are overflowing, any non-rainy days are spent running around at the park with friends, otherwise we like to head to the library. I still carry Samina in her Ergo so she can nurse and sleep while I go for walks.

I know what you're thinking: crunchy crunch crunch. I've got so much granola in my teeth, I can go ahead and choke on it, right?

The thing is, I never meant to be this way. I didn't grow up in a crunchy household and I certainly never felt myself judging parents who let their kids watch "Toy Story" on repeat or passed off french fries as a vegetable at dinner. Not in the least - actually, if I pictured myself as a parent at all (which I really didn't until I was one), I figured I'd rely on a team of babysitters to put my children to sleep while I traipsed off to dinner and drinks with friends. Because that sounds amazing.

I haven't chosen to be this kind of mom because I think it's the superior way of parenting. It came as a natural progression, partly because of the influence of living in Europe, partly because of information from our trusted pediatrician, and also in part because of the person Andrea is. Mainly, though, because over time I have seen the positive effects these things have had on my girls.

The thing I wish I'd known though, before taking the leap into "crunchy" parenting - the disclaimer, amid all the crunchy beliefs being sold on the internet, in books, in pediatricians' offices, that should be discussed but is absolutely not even being mentioned: Doing all these things? Takes a lot of f&%$ing patience, and energy and - this is the main thing - long-term resolve. You need to do these things for a LONG TIME for them to be beneficial. It's not just "yes, I am going to let my kid co-sleep with me so she won't cry, then I'll move her to her own bed." I wish it was like that, I thought it was like that! Mothercracker! It's not like that!

If you (me, namely) don't want your kids to "cry it out", you have to keep them in your bed until they are ready to leave it. Otherwise? You (ME) better be prepared to spend night after night moving them out of your bed as they fall asleep, picking the crying them back up and calmly putting them back with you into your bed in the middle of the night 4, 5, 6 times in a row, reassuring them and then starting the process all over again.

Nursing? One day your kid may magically decide to stop but, if that kid is my daughter, she may actually increase feedings and begin using your nipple as a lovey. Pulling at it. In public.

Attachment parenting? Better be ready to do that shit for a long time, my friend, because if you're thinking your kid will attach after a year and then, poof, he'll stop and you can organize weekly dinner parties again, you're way off (or you're really rarely lucky and I hate you).

Baby-led weaning? Your kid will be eating food off your plate HIS WHOLE LIFE, once he gets used to it. Want that there to end so you can just eat your damn meal in peace? Talk to me in ten years. Unless you make him cry!

No TV? Well, your kids aren't just going to entertain themselves - not for more than 10 minutes anyway, as long as they're little. You'll then become like me, doing ALL THE THINGS in your house instead of taking a break and relaxing because the moment you actually sit down, boom, here comes your little girl asking you to play restaurant again for the six-hundredth time today.

Beware: pretty unsubtle observation ahead: Every decision you make has a consequence, good and bad. You know it to be true in normal (non-child) life, and it holds true (perhaps truer?) in your child-filled life. Yes, it's great that my kids love the outdoors, but man oh man are they difficult when it rains. Yup, it kind of sucks that you can't drink that big glass of sweet tea that you'd like because that would be a bad influence, but heck yeah my ped said my daughter doesn't have to sit through a dentist visit just yet because her teeth are perfect and cavity-free.

I am, holy lord, not judging you. I am not even judging myself, really, except to say that I made these "crunchy" parenting decisions a bit blindly, not understanding just how LONG the process takes. I don't regret them per se. I really do believe the outcome, for my girls, will be something along the lines of world domination (in a good way, involving flowers and donuts). But HELL ON WHEELS I think I could have been better prepared for the immense commitment it is to raise children thoughtfully and purposefully. Hell on wheels.