Crunchy parenting

I wouldn't describe myself as a particularly "crunchy" person. I drink soda, I've been known to watch mind-numbing tv on occasion, I own nothing made of hemp, and I hardly ever wear skirts (those all seem like requirements). But when it comes to parenting, I unconsciously seem to have taken that route.

At almost 17 months, Samina still nurses herself to sleep, right next to me in our co-sleeping bed. We went the path of baby-led weaning and so my girls have never so much as tasted jarred food. Almost all our vegetables come from my in-laws garden, the TV is hardly ever turned on but our bookshelves are overflowing, any non-rainy days are spent running around at the park with friends, otherwise we like to head to the library. I still carry Samina in her Ergo so she can nurse and sleep while I go for walks.

I know what you're thinking: crunchy crunch crunch. I've got so much granola in my teeth, I can go ahead and choke on it, right?

The thing is, I never meant to be this way. I didn't grow up in a crunchy household and I certainly never felt myself judging parents who let their kids watch "Toy Story" on repeat or passed off french fries as a vegetable at dinner. Not in the least - actually, if I pictured myself as a parent at all (which I really didn't until I was one), I figured I'd rely on a team of babysitters to put my children to sleep while I traipsed off to dinner and drinks with friends. Because that sounds amazing.

I haven't chosen to be this kind of mom because I think it's the superior way of parenting. It came as a natural progression, partly because of the influence of living in Europe, partly because of information from our trusted pediatrician, and also in part because of the person Andrea is. Mainly, though, because over time I have seen the positive effects these things have had on my girls.

The thing I wish I'd known though, before taking the leap into "crunchy" parenting - the disclaimer, amid all the crunchy beliefs being sold on the internet, in books, in pediatricians' offices, that should be discussed but is absolutely not even being mentioned: Doing all these things? Takes a lot of f&%$ing patience, and energy and - this is the main thing - long-term resolve. You need to do these things for a LONG TIME for them to be beneficial. It's not just "yes, I am going to let my kid co-sleep with me so she won't cry, then I'll move her to her own bed." I wish it was like that, I thought it was like that! Mothercracker! It's not like that!

If you (me, namely) don't want your kids to "cry it out", you have to keep them in your bed until they are ready to leave it. Otherwise? You (ME) better be prepared to spend night after night moving them out of your bed as they fall asleep, picking the crying them back up and calmly putting them back with you into your bed in the middle of the night 4, 5, 6 times in a row, reassuring them and then starting the process all over again.

Nursing? One day your kid may magically decide to stop but, if that kid is my daughter, she may actually increase feedings and begin using your nipple as a lovey. Pulling at it. In public.

Attachment parenting? Better be ready to do that shit for a long time, my friend, because if you're thinking your kid will attach after a year and then, poof, he'll stop and you can organize weekly dinner parties again, you're way off (or you're really rarely lucky and I hate you).

Baby-led weaning? Your kid will be eating food off your plate HIS WHOLE LIFE, once he gets used to it. Want that there to end so you can just eat your damn meal in peace? Talk to me in ten years. Unless you make him cry!

No TV? Well, your kids aren't just going to entertain themselves - not for more than 10 minutes anyway, as long as they're little. You'll then become like me, doing ALL THE THINGS in your house instead of taking a break and relaxing because the moment you actually sit down, boom, here comes your little girl asking you to play restaurant again for the six-hundredth time today.

Beware: pretty unsubtle observation ahead: Every decision you make has a consequence, good and bad. You know it to be true in normal (non-child) life, and it holds true (perhaps truer?) in your child-filled life. Yes, it's great that my kids love the outdoors, but man oh man are they difficult when it rains. Yup, it kind of sucks that you can't drink that big glass of sweet tea that you'd like because that would be a bad influence, but heck yeah my ped said my daughter doesn't have to sit through a dentist visit just yet because her teeth are perfect and cavity-free.

I am, holy lord, not judging you. I am not even judging myself, really, except to say that I made these "crunchy" parenting decisions a bit blindly, not understanding just how LONG the process takes. I don't regret them per se. I really do believe the outcome, for my girls, will be something along the lines of world domination (in a good way, involving flowers and donuts). But HELL ON WHEELS I think I could have been better prepared for the immense commitment it is to raise children thoughtfully and purposefully. Hell on wheels.